1.4.2022 Letter from Joonas’ desk.
I’ve finally discovered how to deliver anyone older than 40 years of age outstanding results.
And I’ve packaged it into a new coaching program. It’s the end product of a decade of searching, studying and extracting the truth.
Unlike my previous attempts that I’ve labelled simple but not easy, this one’s both. Simple AND easy.
I am embarrassed to say the answer’s been right in front of me for all these years. Yet, I haven’t been able to see it. My tunnel vision and narrow minded thinking have been clouding the deepest dips of my soul. And as a side effect, my eyes haven’t acknowledged the circulating universe.
I feel sorry for any of my past clients. I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier. But it’s not too late.
This program is nothing like you’ve seen before.
A complete game changer. Simple and easy results to get to your strongest, healthiest self. While having the body you’ll be proud to show off. In fact, you’ll never want to wear clothes again.
You can see results quicker than you ever thought possible. And I promise you will keep them for life.
In the past, this would’ve sounded too good to be true. Arrogant even.
So what’s new?
A new training program? No. The principles of smart strength training still hold true.
A new revolutionary approach to eating? No. Reasonable eating habits are still the way to go.
The results are in. And they’re incredible.
I’ve seen 65-year-old men look like Ryan Reynolds, move like Bruce Lee, and have the strength of Ving Rhames. With the golf swing of Arnold Palmer and lungs of Clarence Clemons.
As for women? A recent transformation turned a 55-year-old into the spectacular combination of all the Charlie’s Angels, circa 1976. With the water polo skills of Ashleigh Johnson.
All in just 12 weeks. While eating whatever they wanted.
Are you ready for the secret?
They were all forgotten in the thick, unforgiving forest for centuries. Gaining energy and expanding. Until now.
Healing crystals from Mongolia. Each crystal fell off an asteroid that landed on earth during the early years of the Arghun Dynasty.
For maximum effect, each crystal is individually wrapped in foil and sprinkled with dried yak hair. Before carried on to a flat mountaintop, placed in a semi-circle at the end of a rainbow, and set on fire with a lightning. Waiting for the perfect rainbow and lighting combination can take decades.
But I felt like that wasn’t good enough.
So I had each crystal blessed by a one-eyed Finnish shaman. One blessing session takes a week and can only happen above the arctic circle. It involves repeatedly chanting the lyrics of Underneath Your Clothes, a hit single from Shakira’s 2001 Laundry Service record. Except that in the chant, ‘clothes’ is replaced by ‘foil’.
This makes the crystals glow in the dark*. They’re a real attention grabber on your bedside table.
What does this program cost?
What would it be worth to you if this could solve all your health and fitness problems, for life? Well, these healing, energy balancing crystals can do it. They did for me.
You are probably thinking tens of thousands of dollars. Hundreds of thousands even. But no, I don’t want you to refinance your mortgage.
I want to help you.
I will sell the total package for $750 (including shipping and GST). And I’ll also throw in a reindeer horn. Which has also been hit by a lightning. Although unintentionally. But still.
Alternatively, you can also pay me in teriyaki tofu sandwiches.
But be quick. Once they’re gone, there won’t be more. Unless I can find another asteroid. Which is a lot of fucking work.
*There is also slight chance that some of these crystals are Soviet nuclear waste. Results may vary.